“I’m Just Scared Without the Wall….”
Those are the words I said aloud to my yoga teacher this morning, as I transitioned into a pose I knew I was physically capable of, yet suddenly felt terrified to push into.
Overcome with anxiety in that moment, I convinced myself I was unable to pull it off. I wobbled. I shook. I gave up, laughing as I untangled myself from the confusion of limbs that had collapsed onto the mat in defeat.
Not today, Jenny.
I moved on, slightly irritated, yet able to loosen my grip on the negativity enough to let it go and finish the rest of my practice in peace; in the middle of the room, without any wall.
We’ve all been there. A confident and strong flow of daily activity, social interaction, creative output, financial stability; whatever it is, going uninterrupted and progressing steadily for a time. Then all of a sudden there it is – The Fear.
What if I’m doing it wrong? What happens if my safety net disappears??
It’s natural to worry about not being able to continue if something happens to that wall of support –the constant, whatever safety net you associate with a certain aspect of life disappearing behind you.
My yoga practice has helped me facing these sort of difficult times. Times when I have felt I’ve had no one but myself to turn to, to lean on or ask for help. Times when it would be downright unfair to burden a loved one with problems that only I have the responsibility and capacity to solve.
Not only has yoga strengthened my physical core, enabling me to stand straight in whatever pose or inversion life throws at me, but it has also strengthened my mental capacity to correctly recognise when I am leaning on or blaming things outside of my control for my problems. It has helped me take responsibility for my own life, my own problems, and become confident in my own space on this planet and potential contribution to life. I know if I try hard enough, practice regularly enough, and pace myself accordingly without expecting immediate success or results, that things will come eventually, however slowly.
Removing the walls I had constructed around me allowed me to see the extent of my own potential; the potential of the world and how much there is still to experience – to see, to learn, to explore. I’ve since started learning Japanese. Improving relationships that had suffered before due to my emotional dependency on them. Attempting and succeeding in yoga poses I’d never dreamed of being capable of. Spending time by myself and actually enjoying my own company, whereas before I would have run a mile at the prospect of a quiet Sunday afternoon spent alone with my thoughts.
I like my thoughts now. They’re not all bad.
Sometimes it’s the easiest thing for us do to depend on that wall of physical or emotional support, and fall into using it as a crutch to maintain balance. It’s natural to need support at first, but the danger begins when you become dependent on that support to maintain a steady and balanced mentality. My yoga practice has helped me in more ways than I can describe, yet this dominant strength to stand up tall and support myself is what I keep returning to with pride when asked what I see in the practice.
It’s natural to be scared when you let your walls down. But you’ll never progress anywhere if you don’t at least try to go it alone.
Of course, there are always days when a little nudge of reassurance will be necessary – sometimes even just knowing that the wall is there can be helpful. But there’s nothing quite as fulfilling as finally achieving goals alone, and sustaining oneself independently of outside support!
Here’s to being (still trying to become :P) self-sufficient!!